Rain Hides Tears
by charliespike18
Summary: He never thought he'd see the day he had to mourn Rachel Mason...


It's raining hard and she's cold. It's dark, so very dark. Rachel's crying, tears spilling down her face. She's so frightened and doesn't know where she is. But she is aware, dreadfully aware, that she is alone, so impossibly alone. This isn't how she is going to die, not like this, not cold and alone, not afraid. Rachel feels like screaming until she loses her voice, but no one would hear and she has no energy left. She doesn't know why she is here, where ever _here_ is, and it scares her. Rachel wants to go to sleep, like if she just closed her eyes, just for a moment, everything would be alright. The pain would go away, and that is what she wants the most, for the pain to go away. It won't be for long, no, just a few minutes. She tries to think of anything apart from how scared she is. Eddie's face enters her mind and she suddenly doesn't feel so horribly alone. Eddie will save her. Everything's going to be alright.

…..

But he didn't save her. Rachel Mason died, cold and hopelessly alone.

….

It's just started raining as he climbs out of the taxi. He's glad of this really. The rain hides his sorrowful tears from the rest of the world. He feels alone, like there is no one in the whole entire world that knows how he feels. Except, hundreds of people have felt like this, death touches everyone, in some form or another. Eddie Lawson knows that this is a bad idea, but he had to come, to say goodbye. He has to do it today. Today, he finally realised that he has lost her, and that it is all his fault.

The rain is coming a little harder now but he doesn't really notice, there is too much on his mind. Eddie has spent the last few hours desperately trying to remember everything about her, all the things she made him feel, every tiny little detail. Her laugh, her smile, her voice, but they're just memories now. He can't forget her, not now, not even a single thing.

Eddie hasn't seen her for nearly a decade now. Such a long time. Sometimes, if he closes his eyes, and just his let's mind wander, it could have been yesterday. He know that at any moment he could have gone and seen her. _But you didn't did you?_ That's what hurts the most. Knowing that he was too much of a coward to go and say that he loved her. Because if he had, it wouldn't have had to end this way.

The church stands in front of him, and people are filling out. Eddie recognises a lot of the faces; Tom, Davina, Grantly, Kim and even Steph pass him. None of them see him, none of them recognise him, or if they do they ignore him. There are others that he doesn't know, a new wave of grief hits him; she moved on. But the tears stop, because he's stopped feeling now, numbness overwhelming him.

Melissa and Philip are some of the last people to leave the building. He is standing by the gates, still too much of a coward to go in, when they reach him. Mel stops about half a metre away from him, but Philip keeps walking, barely acknowledging Eddie. She stands, in front of him, for a moment. Hesitating, she reaches in to her pocket and takes out letter. Mel hands it over without a word. Eddie takes it, staring down at the creased envelope.

"Just read it." Her words make him look up, and he sees the pain in her eyes. She follows her son out of the church. Eddie glances down at the letter and suddenly feels as if he's been punched in the stomach. His name, in her handwriting, takes him back, transports him to another time. And it feels like the last ten years have faded away, that they didn't happen. _But they did. _He opens the letter.

Dear Eddie,

I don't even know why I'm writing this? You won't read it, will you? God, this is so stupid. But it feels that if I write this it might get you out of my head, because nothing else works. I've tried Eddie, really. Why did you have to fall in love with Mellissa? I was there Eddie, I was always there. Why you?

I saw you today, Eddie, in Manchester. You were just walking up the road. Such a normal thing to do. But it made me feel so strange, so peculiar. I guess I didn't know you still lived so close. You were with a girl Eddie, a little girl. She must be your daughter, yours and Melissa's. My niece. How old is she? 7, 8? Does she know how lucky she is, Eddie, having you as her dad? I hope you're happy, I actually do, because that makes what I did alright. I can cope, I think, if I know you're happy. You looked happy, with her. I hope I can meet her one day, that would be nice, wouldn't it?

Eddie, I hadn't thought about you in such a long time. Such a very long time. I'm forgetting you, the small details, the most important one are fading. It scares me, I don't want it to happen, I don't want to forget you. But you see, I'm too much of a coward to stop it. I'm sorry Eddie, I'm so sorry. I realized something while writing this letter. Oh Eddie, I still love you.

Rachel.

He looks up from the letter, a solitary tear sliding down his face. It's got too much, too much for him to handle. Reading the letter he could hear her voice, reminding him that he that made her feel so desperate that she had to write a letter to someone who would never receive it. _Except I did._ But too late, far too late. He slides the letter into his pocket, unable to stare at it any longer. Incapable of rereading the letter, Eddie turns and starts to walk down the street.

…

_A week later. _

The last drops of rain fall as Eddie Lawson enters the graveyard. He has spent the last week at his mother's house in Stockport, joking and playing with his daughter; trying to erase the feelings of guilt that overwhelm him when he thinks of Rachel. He is afraid that he will feel that for the rest of his life, that every time he remembers the woman he loved he will drown in all the 'what if's'. Even though there wasn't anything he could have done, he can't stop feeling like he should have done something to try and save her, because doing nothing will haunt him for the rest of his life. Eddie walks until he reaches her grave.

He finds a bench, the other side of the graveyard from where she is and sits. The darkness is creeping up on him but he's doesn't care. Eddie will sit here till the end of time if he thought it would make the pain go away. _But it won't, will it?_ The pain will be everlasting and he will just have to deal with it. It's his fault anyway, all his fault.

Even though, really, he didn't do anything wrong. But he is guilty of hurting her and he must have done something to do that. The rational part of his head is telling him that he only made one mistake. But guilt isn't rational, he's worked out that it will crush you weather you deserve it or not. He ignored his feelings for Rachel because he wanted to love Melissa, so much. It was the worst mistake he could have made.

Eddie's so lost in his own thoughts that it takes him a few moment to notice the man sat down next to him. They sit in amicable silence for a while. They are complete strangers but Eddie feels comfortable in his presence, like he could tell this man anything. The other man is the first to talk. "I didn't think grief hurt this much." And all Eddie can do is nod, unable to find his voice. "I lost my wife, and I don't know how to cope. It's like there's the weight on my chest that won't go away."

"I lost a friend of my mine, a long time ago. I'm so sorry to tell you it doesn't go away. You just learn to live with it," But Eddie isn't talking about the last week, he's talking about the last ten years, because however he tries to play it in his head, he lost Rachel the moment he went off with Mellissa. He broke her heart and now he knows how it feels. Every second he realizes that he will never see her again, another piece of his heart fractures. It has been happening for a decade now. _I'm surprised there's anything left._

"You know what my son keeps saying? When's mummy coming home? And every time I see his little face I remember that my wife won't see him grow up and I break a little bit more." The man places his head in to his hands and sighs.

"How old is your son?" Eddie asks, reminded of his children. Michael, and his daughter.

"My youngest is Joe, he's is three, then there's my girl Nicki, she's five and my brave little boy, Ed, who's seven."

"I miss her," Eddie breathes. "So much, it feels like … like." He trails off.

"It's impossible to describe, isn't it?" The man pauses. "Nicki is so like my wife, stubborn and beautiful. She'd be proud." He stands up and speaks. "Thanks." And then he's gone. Eddie will never know his name.

He stays on the bench for a long time, staring out at all the graves. Thinking about Rachel, everything, every minor detail. Just so he can be happy again. He laughs out loud at all the amusing memories, smiles sadly at the recollection of the way she smiled at him. And he cries for the fact that he lost her, all by himself.

He never will know the man he talked to was Rachel's husband. Never will know that they were talking about the same woman. Eddie will never know that he was being told about her children; Little Joe, strong and stubborn Nicki and brave Ed. He will never know that Rachel never forgot him really. He will never know that she died thinking that he was going to save her. Eddie will never know. 


End file.
